Imposter syndrome

 That dreadful feeling of feeling disconnected from achievements? That feeling of never being good enough. Yesterday I tried to motivate my students by giving them a glimpse of what my past has been in terms of a good student but somehow it didn't feel like I truly believed in it. 

During my teenage years, I remember clearly wanting to prove a point, that one can get 5As without tuition which I managed to do. My teachers always told me to reach for the moon, that I have to aim higher and not become comfortable at that moderate level where I was. I didn't believe them, what do they know? Do they know that my support system is a bit broken? Do they know that I cry myself to sleep at times? Do they know that I carry within myself a very heavy load and it was getting heavier by the day?

The only time I felt uplifted was when I starting again as an undergrad student. My ability to learn independently showcased in my effortless topping of the class consecutively for three years.

Sometimes I think to myself, if only I knew better. I am rewiring my thoughts to now navigate towards an optimistic future, where I can learn and grow and teach. After becoming a mother, my identity is fused to my children because they are my lifetime responsibility. I can avoid to think of the past but I can't avoid to take care of my loved ones. 

Instead of reminiscing about the past, I now focus my attention on belief again. I need to nurture my broken soul and administer some healing strategies to get to the root of my intelligence so that I can flourish. Not necessarily flourish as I would have in my younger days, with a bit more opportunities but flourish in terms of enabling myself to do what my old self could not. An extreme lack of confidence made me short of my higher potential. There is a reason why I am getting a second opportunity and I must not waste it.

Somehow I am grateful to be able to navigate the world of learning and exploring again without having to worry about a partner or relationships or whatever difficulties come with this phase of life where people are juggling a lot in their marriages. 
I did it. I'm done. I got two kids out of there, a blessing indeed. 

2 weeks ago, if I had to look at things that I could be grateful for in my life, I wouldn't even be able to identify one because of how stuck I was but if you ask me now, there's a lot. And even in the smallest spaces, I am finding joy and the beauty in life. I live alone, what a blessing to not have to cater for another adult's needs or tantrums.