Limerence

I'm struggling hard, it's a good thing that I am seeing that because limerence has been a good friend of mine for a bit too long. I thought it was harmless until I started diving into self recovery and on my path to self love.

Just caught a prompt (as a comment from Reddit) about turning ChatGPT into a help to get through limerence. 

"ChatGPT, help me understand the concept of the Shadow Lover and identify where my Shadow Lover might be active in my life today. Take it slowly, asking one question at a time and waiting for my permission to proceed. I am ready for a deep dive. Be compassionate and kind. Please avoid flattery or unnecessary affirmation; I’m here for truth, not comfort. Take this seriously. Share insights about human behavior related to the topic. When appropriate, let’s work on a plan for me to understand what real love is and heal the pain that led me to find safety in imagining love instead of being open to it in real life."

The Shadow lover is nothing but a mirror. The Shadow lover is not an acknowledgement of who they are but what they represent to me. I reflect on this statement and look back on my previous relationships, I never acknowledged who they were before falling for them, I made assumptions, I assumed that they held x,y,z values then adapted to the face that they finally showed.

I remember trying to write down the qualities of my future husband, I couldn't come up with anything. It's telling, big time. That I just wanted the reflecting mirror of my unmet childhood needs. As a grown up adult with two heartbreaks behind me, I need to start seeing to those holes within my psyche by myself. It doesn't help to continue letting fantasies direct my life, because then I am not living, I am merely observing a reality that does not exist because the images that crop up are the highlight of my day. 

That is why today I shed a tear in the car when I realised that my children hugged me and kissed me goodbye in the morning... because no matter what happens, I am not managing to absorb the love that is being given to me. I cannot fully accept that I do not need to be in a defined adult role to be able to receive love, the love that I receive as a mother should be just about enough to let me fuel my existence.